Facing my Demons: My Dad's Porsche 944

Japan Japan America Japan. That is how my mind works. So 2 years ago when my Dad bought a 1984 Porsche 944 I was less than enthused. The '66 mustang? Sweet. The Z cars? Love 'em. The Porsche? I started to question the level of Douche-Baggery my father was capable of. It had no air con, was uncomfortable, negative ergonomics, had less pick up than our lawnmower, sounded like an airplane, wasn't particularly good looking, and IT'S GERMAN. On top of all that, the timing belt popped within a month of purchase and we could have gotten another car for what it took to fix it. But we were pig headed and repaired it. It was garish and loud and I hated it. I still hate it. And I'm not alone. For comparison, when we cruise in the 'Stang, everyone looks and thumbs up and talks about how they like it. But a trip to the gas station in the 944 unleashes a torrential downpour of haterade that would flood any area below sea level. You get cut off, yelled at, flipped off, and generally spited. I hate owning it and I hate being seen in it. But Porsche has an answer. Drive it. I loooooove driving it. The 944 is a driver's car. It's hot, it's loud, it's uncomfortable, it's unreliable, and it's slow in a straight line. But it's fun. It's halo night with the guys fun. It's doing jumps and 180's on a jet ski fun. It's adrenaline pumping, vision blurring, muscle straining, unadulterated fun(sexy). And the smile you have weaving through all the haters with grimaces of distaste is the biggest "F@*% You" to the bland motorists that clog the roads on your video game-esque travels from point A to point B. If you want something comfortable, get a sedan. If you want something with power and pick-up, get a V8. If you want something practical, get a hatchback. But if you want something fun, I dare say the 944 is a tie for my gorgeous 300zx. I'm glad the 944 is my dad's. I would hate owning it, I still hate looking at it, I hate everything about it when it's stationary. But Damn I love driving it.

Guest Appearance: The Baby Goat

Specs: The ricer-racer pictured above belongs to my friend David. It is a 6- Speed 2003 Nissan Sentra SE-R Spec V. That's a mouth full haha (insert "that's what she said"). Basically it's a 2.5 litre FWD 4 door economy sedan. It produces 175hp and 180 ft-lbs. Whoopdee flippin do.

Opinion: Oh the baby goat. The punching bag of the sports car club. It's ugly, slow, broken, noisy but not in a good way, plastic, rattly, uncomfortable, uneconomical, and offensive to all 5 senses. Yes it tastes bad. It is held together with tape and zip ties, everything breaks, it's solid motor mounts transmit all the engine's vibrations into your spine, it has one (count it one) bucket seat, a moron for a driver, it three wheels, and worst of all it gets it's nickname from the exhaust sound that resembles a baby goat being beat to death with it's own leg. The paint looks like the car was invited to a party, made an @$$ out of itself, everyone there keyed it, and a monkey with a paint pen tried to touch it up with $h!t in it's hand. With the combination of bucket seat, driver, and sloppy suspension you will likely end up sitting on the door at some point. The Koni performance shocks reduce the roller coaster feel, but the leaning in the turns has turned into you sliding out of your seat at .95 G's. Frankly, I hate it. I despise it with every thing that I am. I have a hatred so deep for the hunk of $h!t that I cut it down as often as I can. But I don't hate it for any of the problems it has. I hate it because it's driver can outrun me in it in spite of it's unending fallacies. He outruns Corvettes and Bimmers and all manner of sports cars. He has raised the bar for everyone of my friends. Autocrossing is no longer about setting a good time. It is about setting a better time than David and the Babi Gat. It is about defending our logic that a faster car should be faster. It is about beating this latently homosexual college senior and his busted-@$$ toaster. Despite all the hatred, David is one of my best friends. The truth is the Baby Goat is our muse, and David is an artist.

-Keep surprising them Buddy.

It's actually a Review!!!!: 1996 BMW E36

History: The Third Generation of BMW's ever popular 3-series the E36 is a very successful Chassis. Weighing in at 3100 lbs and some change, this RWD(Rear Wheel Drive) sports car was sold as a coupe from 1992-2000, a saloon(4-door) from 1991-1999, and a Cabriolet(convertible) from 1994-2000. A popular European model was the 318ti, which was a shortened, smaller version of the 2 door coupe. With an independent rear end and suspension born on the race track, the BMW E36 was a fun and competent street and track car. Riding on the coat tails of it's predecessor's popularity, consumers worldwide bought them like hot cakes. Thanks to the sales numbers there are plenty of cheap E36's in good condition ripe for the picking.

Opinion: First and foremost, I am biased. I own a Nissan and love it beyond all comprehension. Being a proud JDM(Japanese Domestic Market) whore I look to Japanese style trends to pick parts for my beloved Z. That being said, I do not inherently hate Euro, American or any other nationality of car, I just know and love JDM. It takes something exceptional to impress me. My room mate Zach has the 1996 328is (the "s" at the end means 2 door) pictured above. I've driven it around campus a few times and I must say...I'm surprised. I'm surprised because I like it. This little Black 3 series has been implanting the Euro bug in my brain for the greater half of this year. When it first arrived in Clemson after Christmas break, I was enamored at the phaser-like induction noise from the 2.8 litre (yes I spell it "re", no I am not a pretentious prick) Inline six brought me in. It's german and therefore the crisp handling and responsive 5 speed transmission inspire confidence and the insanely forgiving suspension make you look like a hero when you over step it's boundaries. My biggest problems? It's too low for a GT car. We had a fairly steep incline leading into our dorm parking lot and he dragged when my car glided unscathed over the sidewalk. Also, IT'S GERMAN!! I blame my hatred for Deutsche Autos on my Dad's time bomb of a porsche 944. His car has yet to have any problems.

Pros: It's German

Cons: It's German

The Bottom Line: I used to think I wanted a 240SX for a track car, but I want an E36.